the fine line between hurt and anger

For some reason..this weekend has been Hell. I thought that things were looking up, but that is apparently where I made my first mistake.

In my ire, I took all my friends off my MySpace. Why, you ask? Because it just seems like lines have no other purpose to serve other than being blurred and crossed.

I got angry at myself because I drug into AOL roleplay drama but then I understood after someone told me the story behind what was going on. My friend was hurting because there was more than friendship behind everything. The other person lied and crossed a line.

Another person that keeps claiming they want to be friends, had her character do something to one of mine indirectly, knowing (or so she thought) it wouldn't get back to me...but it did. And it hurt ME out of character because I trusted the person who she committed the indiscretion with.

Later I find out that other people knew all along. Yeah...I'm hurt. Because regardless of my own level of comfort, I would've said something. So I feel betrayed. Betrayed because questions just should've been asked if in doubt.

-sighs- Anyway...yeah. Happy full moon.

=/

It's 6:20 am and I am awake. There's a bad storm going on outside which normally lulls me to sleep and keeps me in bed long after I should be awake, but tonight..it's led to a bad dream.

In my dream, the two younger boys were in bed, resting in sleep and from the storm (which made it's way into my dream) at like 2:30 am, my second oldest (Jake) came in from the rain. The disturbing part is that...I didn't realize he was not home, in my dream, earlier.

I immediately went to him and kept saying "where have you been!?" and he clammed up like usual and gave me a typical Jake answer, "I don't know". I kept cornering him and telling him to tell me and he'd give me an excuse like "I left my MP3 player at my friend's house" but I was getting more upset saying, "that's a reason to stay out until 2 in the morning!?" but he just kept looking away as if he was angry I was even asking.

It was very much in character for Jake and finally I said, "Try again. Where have you been and don't lie to me."

He seemed to break down and he reached out for me and started crying. Even in my dream I was taken back by this because Jake has been very withdrawn for a long time. He doesn't reach out for anyone. And he hugged me. A real hug, not just a "pat on the back" hug like he usually gives everyone. You know the kind? The meek sorta hug?

So in my dream I said, "Baby what's wrong?" and he just said "it's really bad" and curled into my arms. In my dream I was actually carrying him like a baby and shh'ing him and comforting him.

I was whispering, "tell me what's wrong, baby. it's okay. did someone hurt you? I swear to god I'll kill them if they did. I promise you I will." and he wouldn't tell me.

So..then I woke up and I lie there for a bit. Of course, at the thought of one of my children being in pain in such a way, I started to panic and get that eerie feeling. The one where you wonder if everyone is okay? But all I could do, really, is check on everyone here. The other two are in Chicago. :(

It's horrible..because I checked everyone and went to lie back down and kept seeing the image in my mind, I guess..you know, trying to analyze it? And the more I did, the more upset I was getting because he was reaching out for me and I couldn't help him. I couldn't quite calm down..so I decided to make myself some green tea and blog it.

I'll call him in a few hours and make sure that everything is okay =/

is it bedtime yet?

I woke up this morning with yet another sinus headache but it went away later on after taking half of a Tylenol PM. I'm not sure why that works more than the Tylenol Sinus (or other sinus medicine) but it does and that's all that matters. Right? =/

Doing really well with my meal plans and today I did my Pilates class (1 hour) and a 1/2 on the stairmonster. I can't believe how BORING it is now that I've been doing the cycling but part of the reason is probably because I didn't have a good magazine to read :( I'm going to try to bring my book next time and see if it makes me nauseous to try and read it..or if I can even concentrate on it.

Other than that..not a whole lot more going on. I'm going to make my popcorn and head to bed. I'm ready for this day to end -- more later!

on the down low

I've signed up to learn more about ....Pole Dancing! Haha! I sent a request for information on learning how to teach it. I'll keep you posted on it. I think it would be a lot of fun :)

Anyway..I didn't workout yesterday outside of my 24 Lift class. I just felt I needed a break and then I wake up today with another (ugh yes..another) sinsus headache. This rain needs to stop! :(

I know I'll feel better if I go workout but I think I'm going to wait to do it til after my pilates class (6:30 - 7:30pm) because the gym is much more quiet at that time.

I may decide to go in early and do it too just because if I go at night, I know I'll have the kids with me. If I go early, I can always do a quick shower to freshen up before my class.

That's pretty much it for now. If I have more to post later, I will.

short and sweet

Yesterday was rather tedius. But a productive day none the less. I will keep today's post short and sweet because I'm fighting off a little headache but I got to take another cycling class last night and it rocked. I loved the challenge even though I wanted (several times) to leave early cuz I was tired. I finished it. That was the best part. Woohoo!

seeing results

I'm starting to see results more clearly and it's encouraging. My new obsession is cycling. Ehh..as much as it hurts the "delicate" parts the next day I guess until I get used to it, that is. It's hard but when I can make it through that whole class I feel like a winner.

Yeah ..a winner in that cheesy Chariots of Fire, way.

Anyway..today was Pilates (1 hour) and my 2nd cycling class. It wasn't as good as the first but it was still challenging. It was a different teacher/club, too.

I wasn't nuts about the music..and it's funny to be on the opposite side of the mic. Music really does make an impact on your crowd.

I don't have much to report today so I'll end this post with my good deed of the day.

I was driving home from work and sitting at a red light when I see this lil green Gecko fall out of nowhere on my side mirror. He's just sitting there looking at me and I'm thinking..if I take off and drive, he's going to fly off and die :(

Soooo...I pulled over into a little drive way..and chased the gecko over the hood back and forth a few times before I finally caught him and set him on a tree. :) Yay ME!

The End.

coming to a head..

So things have been really great. I'm happy and in a content place in my life. I work out twice daily, my house is clean and organized, my friends are awesome and I have some saintly wings carrying me, too.

All in all ...I have nothing much to complain about. There are some minor things. But I feel as though these minor things ..are the things that we consider dead weight. Things that, in order to fly, must be let go. Emotional baggage per se.

I'm okay with it. Oddly enough. I've decided, that I'm a big girl and I can let go of things to grow and metamorphasis into something better.

On another note: I've also decided to keep a food journal and workout journal. I need to break it down cuz I'm not sure if I'm doing everything I can to reach my goal. It's become my lifestyle more so than it was before. And I dont' say that obsessively. I mean that before it wasn't such a big deal. I would workout once every other day and not worry about what I ate. It's important to me now because I am trying to keep my health in check.

It also makes me feel better and feel like I have more control over things.

I'll post more later. Cameron is asking for me =)

Lzr!

Everyone...well okay, most everyone, knows that I work for 24 hour fitness. I started out as a personal trainer and due to the schedule, I made a decision to move to their Group X [aerobic instructor] department. Despite some issues that I won't discuss here [mostly because they're minor, and secondly because I find it in poor taste to make your place of employment look bad in -any- way] I absolutely love my job and the company.

I was watching The Biggest Loser today. Can I just say, that the people on there are amazing? The dedication and will power it takes to do what they do, in such a small amount of time, makes me realize and reminds me again, this..is why I do what I do.

I found myself literally in tears watching them not only reach their goals..but surpass them. I can't imagine not having a job as fulfilling as mine. The fact that my company sponsors a TV show that focuses on the positive and provides help as well as rewards for what they achieve..I have to say, I'm proud.

One of the songs used in the shows has the following lyrics; "What have you done to be proud today?"

And it made me think. If everyone thought about that, every single day. They might be more motivated to do something other than sit there and wait for themselves to rot away.

I know that sounds harsh but that's pretty much where this epidemic came from. And it is an epidemic, folks. Humans are becoming cattle. The Age of Technology has taken us from active, productive human beings, to robots. We sit at work. We rush to our car, to sit in traffic. We rush home to make dinner then sit down and maybe work some more or sit behind a computer or sit and watch tv.

Think about the things you did as a child. Many of you were athletic. Many were active, period. Inactivity is a disease. It can be cured. It just takes a desire. On that note. I'm going to walk the dog =)

no news is good news..right?

It's been a decent few days. Jimmy left for Chicago on Monday (:() and I'm keeping up with my workouts. It's nice when people start to notice the weight I've lost. That's when you know the results are coming; People that see you everyday can start to tell. It makes all those flights of stairs not so ba..okay who am I kidding? They're still bad, but well worth it.

Work has become a low stress factor which is better than what it used to be. I used to dread it and always think I was doing something wrong. Now I can see that the members that I have in my class, really appreciate me and love seeing me every week.

I'm tired right now..taught Step then Pilates again. But it's a good tired. I'm checking my mail then about to go shower before leaving. Taking Rob to his therapy then maybe a walk around the mall.

I have no idea why I keep up with this blog all of a sudden but it's theraputic in it's own way.

That's all for now.

for a life, click "x"

It's amazing to me that I've not been online in a roleplay chatroom for...months. Literally. And when I decide to come back and play just to pass some time, the first thing that I encounter is drama.

I am sitting there speechless. I don't understand it. People just can't sign on and control themselves. It's a sick obsession. They're not happy unless they're e-fucking with someone to get a rise out of a person on the other end of the internet.

It's so absolutely childish it makes me shake my head. This has definitely gone from being all I ever do, to being a hobby and I'm glad I fuckin changed that because I'd have to /wrist if was like that any longer.

That's my rant for today. Lzrs drive thru. Thx much.

all in all..

It has been an awesome week.

My workouts have been steady and I'm loving them. I haven't skimped or skipped any. If I can get my eating right I'll be down to a science. So I'm back to eating every 3 - 4 hours and the brown rice. It's important to me because eating has become an emotional thing and I know that I shouldn't be eating emotionally but with performance and sustenance in mind.

Many people these days associate eating with everything but what it's supposed to be for. Maintaining and producing energy. We associate it with celebrations, depressions, etc..and this is where eating disorders come into play. I've been on every side of the eating disorder circle and I'm trying to get my head right so I can re-learn and rehabilitate myself without drugs and doctors. I don't want people to think that I recommend that for everyone. I know the triggers now and I know I'm not in a danger zone. It's something I can do with consistancy. I don't have bulemia and I'm not anorexic so there's no need to have a doctor supervise me. People that genuinely need help should get it.

I like the feeling of empowerment that I get when I finish a hard workout and I get really angry when depression keeps me from my workouts, so I'm hoping that I can force my mind into this balanced state so I don't lose track of my goals or set myself back.

I love the relaxation that I've been getting lately. Being offline has really made me focus on things that are important and it's relieved a lot of stress for me. I have more 'me' time as you can see and it's been theraputic in ways I could never even put into words. I'm much more calm and relaxed. The "Old Me" for sure.

I think that's all for today.

easy, breezy..

The last couple days have been really relaxing. I've started my own personal workouts again, outside of the classes I teach in the mornings. I do 1/2 an hour on the (monsterous) stair machine and then try to do another 1/2 hour of something else depending on how much I did in the morning.

Yesterday I was just so happy to get the 1/2 hour on the stair machine banged out after teaching step (1/2 hour) and pilates (1 hour) that morning. I wanted to swim but I just didn't have it in me. Laps are pretty relaxing as well as good exercise so I try to fit it in when I can.

It's starting to pay off, finally. I see some progress which is nice since I'm constantly trying to encourage others to reach their goals and it's showing in the mirror for me.

Trying to be a mom to two teenagers, a pre-teen and a 6 yr old is hard enough. Add being bi-polar to the mix and trying to cheer myself to my own goals is like skating uphill but I'm trying to keep my determination.

I'm tired of sinking into the tarpit of despair and disappointing my kids, friends and most of all, myself.

Breathing..is life. Being able to smell the roses is a bonus.

W-T-F

So I've been busting my ass on the house. I'm tired of it being sterile white and having no color. I'm tired of it looking like I don't give a shit about it (which I didn't, before). I put a lot of work into it and I -still- have to ride people in the house to pick up after themselves.

I mean -- seriously. What in the fuck is so hard about washing your dish or doing 7 dinner dishes (including the pots!) because I don't feel well that night? The lack of respect is astounding. I can't even explain it in words how shitty it makes me feel that I put so much work into the house and not one person could even load a gd dishwasher so that when I woke up, I didn't have it to do.

They might as well just bend over and ask me to wipe their ass, too.

This is what I deal with day in and day out and they wonder why I gave up before and just let it go to shit. This is the reason. I can't function like this. Things have to be neat or I get depressed. It's a sickness, I know but....help me out just a little, huh?

I make big meals for dinner with little mess. I'm not asking them to clean shit off the walls. I'm asking them to clean an effin' crock pot for Christ's sake. I try to clean as I go because *I* do the damn dishes most of the time and I'd like to sit down after dinner and relax after picking up after everyone. And if *I* don't do the dishes, the dishes get half assed done. Don't get put away, etc, etc...

I'm just disgusted this morning. I barely got out of my room after taking the sheets off to be washed, wandered into the kitchen and saw the mess like a slap in the face. I mean, I was sick and they left them there like "oh well, she'll get to them in the morning". Just...rude.

Gotta love being a mother.

Genesis..

I don't know where to start. Everytime I start a blog or diary, I think I can keep up with it but I cannot. My thoughts and senses are so fragile and sacred, revealing them feels more like a mortal sin than expression. I have only my art for that. My little graphic profiles that I make for my "AOL Friends" here and there. Even that joy starts to wane.

What is left, are all these thoughts. Static that buzzes around in my mind until I'm overflowing with it and I feel like the person standing next to me can hear it.

I'm not schitzo. I'm just ..me.

People often say, "you have no idea" but do they really believe that? I used to. I've met a few that were like me and it's always so foreign, like meeting someone from another planet who speaks your language.

Who knows if I'll even keep this blog up. I think part of the discouragement of having an online journal is when it feels like no one even reads it. So why bother?

My thoughts are no more interesting than the next person's. Hell, I'd be surprised if theirs weren't a whole hell of a lot more interesting than mine. None the less..I'll keep attempting it to see if I get better....to ping the universe and see if there's someone else that speaks the language.