When the Cat Has Your Tongue..

I sit and stare at this thing a lot. So much to say but when it comes down to typing the words, I feel like I have nothing to put in. A lot of it is an inner struggle. One to be heard vs. one not to have privacy violated. Maybe it's an insecurity that what I have to say isn't very important or profound enough.

I'm definitely turning through another phase in my life. The depression is getting better and I don't know if that's a misconception by myself or not..I feel a little happier. I think part of the reason why is because I decided to go back to school.

And not just "decided" but took action. I have a hard time completing things but this is something I don't want to let go of. It's something that has been a desire of mine for some time. I don't want my life to slip past without me having done something meaningful for myself.

I'm a mother. A sometimes thankless job. As cliche' as it sounds..it's also the most rewarding. But it's still an extension of myself, my hopes and my dreams. It's a reflection of what I want to be or what I don't want to be when I look at them and regardless of what guidance I give them, it's not my life to lead.

So now I'm sitting there, staring at a school schedule for June and I'm excited and nervous all at once. Those HS memories of finding classes rushing back at me, sometimes keeping me up at night. My fear that I'll fail once I get too far to turn back.

One of the funniest fears (to me) is that I want to be a doctor and I know I'll have to face situations that might become a problem..namely..vomit. LoL

If I see my kids do it..I do it. I can't smell it or I puke, myself. Is this something that you acquire an immunity to? I don't know but I certainly hope so..as I'm sure there are more nauseating smells to deal with. At least I can laugh at it, right?

I look forward to the more gruesome tasks that most medical students shun from. Gross Anatomy is probably going to be my favorite part. I've come to the conclusion that it will settle my fears about dying.

I already feel a sense of accomplishment and I am determined that the next 10 years be about me since I've neglected her for so long.

On another note altogther, I have this weird numb feeling in my knee and my lower back has been aching for about a week. I have to reschedule the appt with my doctor because the day I had an appt, my car decided to act up.

I feel like an old woman sometimes, every month it's like a different ailment. For those of you reading this (what? all 4?) who didn't know, I had an issue with a lump in my breast. For a good month I dealt with not knowing what was up until they finally cleared me..everything was fine. Of course, this was after I got to go through the wonderful procedure called stereotactic biopsy. Remind me to tell you about that later.

I'll try to post again and let everyone know what happens...anyway..

see you next time. same bat time same bat channel..or something like that