>.<

I'm groggy today and I don't know why. I can't tell if it's because it's one of those relaxing days where you just want to veg and stare at clouds while falling in out of cat naps or ...if it's because my sleep schedule is so fubar. Probably both.

We kept the boys home today because the alarms didn't go off and we just didn't feel like braving the storm this morning to drive them to school. Call us bad parents..wtfever. They can miss one day, I'm sure they aren't tortured scholastically by it.

I'm thinking about changing up my hairstyle, too. Been a few days in thought. Keeping the length but coloring it to a more brighter color for summer. Thinking light brown with a touch of small blond streaks. Problem is, I can not find a hairstylist that doesn't fuck up the look I'm going for. I never like to complain but I usually walk out dissatisfied with what they've done. And paying 25 bucks or more for it, makes me more angry when I get home and discover that the cut isn't that great? Yeah...makes me want to learn to cut my own damn hair.

My dieting is going VERY well. I'm pleased with everything at the moment..I just hope I can keep it up and the bipolar mood swings don't dissuade me from my path. I'm happy when I work out....it's getting me to do it that makes me want to kick small animals and gnaw on scorpion tails ...and no, not literally. Sad that I have to put that little notation, don't need any animal activists or white coat people knocking at my door. I have enough issues.

My friend, I'll call her H because I don't want to impose on the privacy of said friend, and I are trying to keep each other motivated. She got the bodybugg [ bodybugg.com ] that I recommended to her and in turn, a friend of hers got one. Why? Because they are awesome, duh. But I digress...we are trying to email each other and keep each other psyched for the results we know will come :D

I'm already seeing marked improvement in my weight and it's only been a week. It's not impossible but it's not easy either. But I'm stubborn (noooo not meee right? shaddup) so I will make this work, damnit.

Been drinking a lot more water and herbal teas. Adding some soymilk shakes to my diet [read up on it, studies are showing now that it helps reduce belly fat in women]. So...maybe when it's all said and done, I'll post pics. Yeah. Hold your breath ;)

I am also going to -try- (key word here, folks) to start maybe a photo blog of one of my meals per day. Just because I want to.

I think that's all for today...I still need ideas on what new thing I could learn! Get with the replies!

getting better

So the diet is getting better. Most of the cravings are gone but last night was rough. I was pretty hungry but I also want to get out of the habit of eating before bed...not so sure I can but it's a goal of mine. I was up for most of the night because my body was telling me, "go eat, stupid" but stubbornly I stayed in bed. This led to a long night of watching LIFE IN THE ER.

It'll get easier (I hope).

I've been doing good on my workouts. The only time I've missed them was when I wasn't feeling well and I'm getting better about making sure I get them in rather than dreading them. It's a mere 30 min's on the elliptical but that's a lot when you just don't feel like it.

I'm going stir crazy because I haven't gotten a new book. I just don't know what to read and my brain is screaming for input/words/stimulus, etc. I mean, outside of internet reading and WoWing it up. I actually -like- holding a book in my hand and curling up with one to read.

Overall I'm just trying to stay positive about my diet, my goals (school), and life in general.

I want to learn something new...anyone got any suggestions?

...is this thing on? -taps the mic_

I've got nothing..

It's...7:34. Yep. A.M.

Got the youngest one off to school and now I'm sitting here trying to wake up fully so I can drive child #3 to his doctor appt across town. There's not much to report at the moment other than that I gave in last night and had a salad before bed. It wasn't hardly enough to even report on my food diary but I did because I want to be sure I account for everything. I really tried not to eat anything more but I always have a snack before bed. I figure if I make sure it's something that contains mostly water, I'm doing good, right? Right.

Yesterday was child #4's Spring Fling at school. It was quite short, albeit amusing. The kids did little music numbers and for 2nd grade it was alright. I think the teachers could do more with them but I'm guessing it was the extent of their own capabilities (no, that's not an insult. just a fact.). Some of the children didn't show up for one of the numbers but they improvised nicely. Kid #4 did a little routine to music and a basketball. =) He loves the spotlight...only when he's with other people though. Put up there alone and he's pretty shy..I think he'll evolve out of that and then I'll have a bonafide ham on my hands.

I'd post some of the video here but I'm not sure I want strange people oogling my 8yr old. Sorry, but we all know there's sickos out there and I'm just not willing to expose one of my babies to it.

I didn't get to bed until late last night and then I didn't sleep very well. It was pretty cold. So cold, in fact, that kid #4 came curling up next to me. (I'm known in the family as the living furnace when I sleep...for some reason I just project a lot of heat o.o) Problem with that is that he squirms so much it wakes me up every time -.-

Alas, we survived the night and I'm here. Zombie Mom No. 1. [ insert zombie groan from Sean of the Dead here ]

Maybe more later, maybe not. I'm pretty effin proud I have been doing this for a week, now. Let's not push it, eh?

[insert zombie groan]

It's 8 AM.

I repeat. 8....in the A.M.

Yeah, those who know me wonder wtf am I doing up. Besides getting the kids off to school, I am in my insomnia phase again I guess. (note to those who are new -- Halo is NOT a morning person)

I have a funny little story. A lawyer I know called all doctors 'arrogant' and I started to giggle. I said, "I won't come back and see you after a few years then because I'm going pre-med to be a doctor" and he joked with me some about how arrogant they are...his partner was in agreeance and we talked about how after med school and residency and all the shit they have to go through, they kind of deserve to be a little arrogant.

I think what made me giggle was the fact that I always joke that "it's all about me". It really is a joke..I hardly ever think of myself before others but I use it as a mantra to remind myself that I have to put myself first sometimes...right?

I'm yawning right now...having small daydreams about how comfortable my bed is. This is bad. lol.

I'm going back to bed.

When the Cat Has Your Tongue..

I sit and stare at this thing a lot. So much to say but when it comes down to typing the words, I feel like I have nothing to put in. A lot of it is an inner struggle. One to be heard vs. one not to have privacy violated. Maybe it's an insecurity that what I have to say isn't very important or profound enough.

I'm definitely turning through another phase in my life. The depression is getting better and I don't know if that's a misconception by myself or not..I feel a little happier. I think part of the reason why is because I decided to go back to school.

And not just "decided" but took action. I have a hard time completing things but this is something I don't want to let go of. It's something that has been a desire of mine for some time. I don't want my life to slip past without me having done something meaningful for myself.

I'm a mother. A sometimes thankless job. As cliche' as it sounds..it's also the most rewarding. But it's still an extension of myself, my hopes and my dreams. It's a reflection of what I want to be or what I don't want to be when I look at them and regardless of what guidance I give them, it's not my life to lead.

So now I'm sitting there, staring at a school schedule for June and I'm excited and nervous all at once. Those HS memories of finding classes rushing back at me, sometimes keeping me up at night. My fear that I'll fail once I get too far to turn back.

One of the funniest fears (to me) is that I want to be a doctor and I know I'll have to face situations that might become a problem..namely..vomit. LoL

If I see my kids do it..I do it. I can't smell it or I puke, myself. Is this something that you acquire an immunity to? I don't know but I certainly hope so..as I'm sure there are more nauseating smells to deal with. At least I can laugh at it, right?

I look forward to the more gruesome tasks that most medical students shun from. Gross Anatomy is probably going to be my favorite part. I've come to the conclusion that it will settle my fears about dying.

I already feel a sense of accomplishment and I am determined that the next 10 years be about me since I've neglected her for so long.

On another note altogther, I have this weird numb feeling in my knee and my lower back has been aching for about a week. I have to reschedule the appt with my doctor because the day I had an appt, my car decided to act up.

I feel like an old woman sometimes, every month it's like a different ailment. For those of you reading this (what? all 4?) who didn't know, I had an issue with a lump in my breast. For a good month I dealt with not knowing what was up until they finally cleared me..everything was fine. Of course, this was after I got to go through the wonderful procedure called stereotactic biopsy. Remind me to tell you about that later.

I'll try to post again and let everyone know what happens...anyway..

see you next time. same bat time same bat channel..or something like that

finding the way home

So it's been awhile and I think for a long time I lost myself. Blogging can be tedious to me and at the same time, it feels like it betrays a private part of me, exposing something in me that isn't meant to be seen.

Honestly, if people were meant to know it..wouldn't they just..know it?

I try to remember that people cannot read minds. Most importantly mine. It's complex and confusing even to myself but alas, I'm home again as I like to call it.

I'm tormented by the choice of medicating myself to balance my bipolar disorder or trucking through it. As most people will tell you, they are at their most creative when they are depressed and I find that to be truthful to every extent.

I lose my desire to write, to create, to express..all of it. I lose the philosopher in me and the dreamer. And then I wonder..is it all worth it?

I'm not trying to kill myself so why am I trying to drown this part of me? I don't know. They say it's better to lead a happier life. True enough, I can be happier when I'm on my medication but wouldn't that be true either way? For example, if I lived in one house or another, couldn't I be happy? I don't know. I'm still pondering that.

Anyway, the news tonight is that I've been coerced ;) sweetly and yet forcefully into starting my book again. I have the desire so I have plans to begin as early as tomorrow. Wish me luck.

the fine line between hurt and anger

For some reason..this weekend has been Hell. I thought that things were looking up, but that is apparently where I made my first mistake.

In my ire, I took all my friends off my MySpace. Why, you ask? Because it just seems like lines have no other purpose to serve other than being blurred and crossed.

I got angry at myself because I drug into AOL roleplay drama but then I understood after someone told me the story behind what was going on. My friend was hurting because there was more than friendship behind everything. The other person lied and crossed a line.

Another person that keeps claiming they want to be friends, had her character do something to one of mine indirectly, knowing (or so she thought) it wouldn't get back to me...but it did. And it hurt ME out of character because I trusted the person who she committed the indiscretion with.

Later I find out that other people knew all along. Yeah...I'm hurt. Because regardless of my own level of comfort, I would've said something. So I feel betrayed. Betrayed because questions just should've been asked if in doubt.

-sighs- Anyway...yeah. Happy full moon.