finding the way home

So it's been awhile and I think for a long time I lost myself. Blogging can be tedious to me and at the same time, it feels like it betrays a private part of me, exposing something in me that isn't meant to be seen.

Honestly, if people were meant to know it..wouldn't they just..know it?

I try to remember that people cannot read minds. Most importantly mine. It's complex and confusing even to myself but alas, I'm home again as I like to call it.

I'm tormented by the choice of medicating myself to balance my bipolar disorder or trucking through it. As most people will tell you, they are at their most creative when they are depressed and I find that to be truthful to every extent.

I lose my desire to write, to create, to express..all of it. I lose the philosopher in me and the dreamer. And then I wonder..is it all worth it?

I'm not trying to kill myself so why am I trying to drown this part of me? I don't know. They say it's better to lead a happier life. True enough, I can be happier when I'm on my medication but wouldn't that be true either way? For example, if I lived in one house or another, couldn't I be happy? I don't know. I'm still pondering that.

Anyway, the news tonight is that I've been coerced ;) sweetly and yet forcefully into starting my book again. I have the desire so I have plans to begin as early as tomorrow. Wish me luck.

the fine line between hurt and anger

For some reason..this weekend has been Hell. I thought that things were looking up, but that is apparently where I made my first mistake.

In my ire, I took all my friends off my MySpace. Why, you ask? Because it just seems like lines have no other purpose to serve other than being blurred and crossed.

I got angry at myself because I drug into AOL roleplay drama but then I understood after someone told me the story behind what was going on. My friend was hurting because there was more than friendship behind everything. The other person lied and crossed a line.

Another person that keeps claiming they want to be friends, had her character do something to one of mine indirectly, knowing (or so she thought) it wouldn't get back to me...but it did. And it hurt ME out of character because I trusted the person who she committed the indiscretion with.

Later I find out that other people knew all along. Yeah...I'm hurt. Because regardless of my own level of comfort, I would've said something. So I feel betrayed. Betrayed because questions just should've been asked if in doubt.

-sighs- Anyway...yeah. Happy full moon.

=/

It's 6:20 am and I am awake. There's a bad storm going on outside which normally lulls me to sleep and keeps me in bed long after I should be awake, but tonight..it's led to a bad dream.

In my dream, the two younger boys were in bed, resting in sleep and from the storm (which made it's way into my dream) at like 2:30 am, my second oldest (Jake) came in from the rain. The disturbing part is that...I didn't realize he was not home, in my dream, earlier.

I immediately went to him and kept saying "where have you been!?" and he clammed up like usual and gave me a typical Jake answer, "I don't know". I kept cornering him and telling him to tell me and he'd give me an excuse like "I left my MP3 player at my friend's house" but I was getting more upset saying, "that's a reason to stay out until 2 in the morning!?" but he just kept looking away as if he was angry I was even asking.

It was very much in character for Jake and finally I said, "Try again. Where have you been and don't lie to me."

He seemed to break down and he reached out for me and started crying. Even in my dream I was taken back by this because Jake has been very withdrawn for a long time. He doesn't reach out for anyone. And he hugged me. A real hug, not just a "pat on the back" hug like he usually gives everyone. You know the kind? The meek sorta hug?

So in my dream I said, "Baby what's wrong?" and he just said "it's really bad" and curled into my arms. In my dream I was actually carrying him like a baby and shh'ing him and comforting him.

I was whispering, "tell me what's wrong, baby. it's okay. did someone hurt you? I swear to god I'll kill them if they did. I promise you I will." and he wouldn't tell me.

So..then I woke up and I lie there for a bit. Of course, at the thought of one of my children being in pain in such a way, I started to panic and get that eerie feeling. The one where you wonder if everyone is okay? But all I could do, really, is check on everyone here. The other two are in Chicago. :(

It's horrible..because I checked everyone and went to lie back down and kept seeing the image in my mind, I guess..you know, trying to analyze it? And the more I did, the more upset I was getting because he was reaching out for me and I couldn't help him. I couldn't quite calm down..so I decided to make myself some green tea and blog it.

I'll call him in a few hours and make sure that everything is okay =/

is it bedtime yet?

I woke up this morning with yet another sinus headache but it went away later on after taking half of a Tylenol PM. I'm not sure why that works more than the Tylenol Sinus (or other sinus medicine) but it does and that's all that matters. Right? =/

Doing really well with my meal plans and today I did my Pilates class (1 hour) and a 1/2 on the stairmonster. I can't believe how BORING it is now that I've been doing the cycling but part of the reason is probably because I didn't have a good magazine to read :( I'm going to try to bring my book next time and see if it makes me nauseous to try and read it..or if I can even concentrate on it.

Other than that..not a whole lot more going on. I'm going to make my popcorn and head to bed. I'm ready for this day to end -- more later!

on the down low

I've signed up to learn more about ....Pole Dancing! Haha! I sent a request for information on learning how to teach it. I'll keep you posted on it. I think it would be a lot of fun :)

Anyway..I didn't workout yesterday outside of my 24 Lift class. I just felt I needed a break and then I wake up today with another (ugh yes..another) sinsus headache. This rain needs to stop! :(

I know I'll feel better if I go workout but I think I'm going to wait to do it til after my pilates class (6:30 - 7:30pm) because the gym is much more quiet at that time.

I may decide to go in early and do it too just because if I go at night, I know I'll have the kids with me. If I go early, I can always do a quick shower to freshen up before my class.

That's pretty much it for now. If I have more to post later, I will.

short and sweet

Yesterday was rather tedius. But a productive day none the less. I will keep today's post short and sweet because I'm fighting off a little headache but I got to take another cycling class last night and it rocked. I loved the challenge even though I wanted (several times) to leave early cuz I was tired. I finished it. That was the best part. Woohoo!

seeing results

I'm starting to see results more clearly and it's encouraging. My new obsession is cycling. Ehh..as much as it hurts the "delicate" parts the next day I guess until I get used to it, that is. It's hard but when I can make it through that whole class I feel like a winner.

Yeah ..a winner in that cheesy Chariots of Fire, way.

Anyway..today was Pilates (1 hour) and my 2nd cycling class. It wasn't as good as the first but it was still challenging. It was a different teacher/club, too.

I wasn't nuts about the music..and it's funny to be on the opposite side of the mic. Music really does make an impact on your crowd.

I don't have much to report today so I'll end this post with my good deed of the day.

I was driving home from work and sitting at a red light when I see this lil green Gecko fall out of nowhere on my side mirror. He's just sitting there looking at me and I'm thinking..if I take off and drive, he's going to fly off and die :(

Soooo...I pulled over into a little drive way..and chased the gecko over the hood back and forth a few times before I finally caught him and set him on a tree. :) Yay ME!

The End.