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Dusting off my blog...

2009-05-10T23:38:00.002-05:00

somehow I always end up migrating back here. I need it, I think. it gets my mind straight. keeps my goals in perspective. even though I can never settle on just one thing to do with my life. why is that? I'm tired of wanting to do everything and only being offered a few things. I want it all, baby! lol.

anyway, I'll update more later, I have tons of things knocking around in the noggin but not enough time right now to enter it all in this tiny box. got studying to do.

What Animal Are You? Survey....woof, baby, woof

2008-07-07T09:21:00.002-05:00

http://www.animalinyou.com/survey.asp

Otter
Genera and species: Amblonyx cinerea
Collective Term: A prank of otters

Description
Otters are petite, engaging creatures overflowing with positive energy. Intelligent and bright, they are also popular and eminently lovable and displaying the highly developed social skills that typify the small carnivores. So, otters mix easily with a wide range of animal personalities.

Lazy? Let's just say easily distracted. For life has so many diversions for the otter, that whether it's playing a computer game, reading a book, or doing a crossword puzzle, it's impossible to predict how it will fill it's day. But when an otter gets focused on a problem, it's keen intelligence rises to the challenge and it will not give up until the nut is cracked. Otters feel entitled to the good things in life and a general sense of well being gives them the confidence to not have to save for the future. A lover who wants to impress an otter should know that otters love to eat out and have a predictable penchant for sushi.

Although intelligent and witty, otters have a tendency to suffer from self-doubt, and fear of failure can prevent them from living up to their true potential. Still, they are a great problem solvers, with the ability to spend endless hours on abstract or practical challenges. As workers, they are dedicated and capable and always eager for a chance to prove themselves. Their determination makes them valuable employees and although they often feel that their contributions are undervalued, they would rather accept lower pay than risk confrontations in their workplace. Although they are fine motivators, they avoid taking leadership roles, performing better in group situations with their social skills coming in handy when counseling coworkers through their problems. Their dexterous hands are useful in a wide range of careers, and they're ideally suited for work in engineering, advertising, and design.

As lovers, otters are tenacious and have remarkably vital libidos. Unafraid of expressing their needs, they have little tolerance for selfish people and are attracted those creative enough to fulfill their sexual appetites. Among the aquatic animals, the lusty dolphin provides endless fun while the terrestrial fox proves to be a challenging and sexy companion. In a relationship, the otter will willingly stray into dangerous waters, betting that its instincts will see it though. But, for the most part it prefers the familiar shallows of a predictable association with the semi-aquatic beaver or sea lion.

There is no question that the otter is going to have children. Lots of them. And this otherwise carefree individual will surprise you with its strict and disciplined approach to child raising.

Otters are certainly not shy. Their highly advanced communication skills explain why friends flock to it for advice and why ex-lovers find it so hard to let it go. But sometimes it seems that relating to an otter is a one-way street; for otters hate criticism. It's not that they don't believe there's room for improvement -- it's just that they tend to confuse criticism with rejection. Friends must step lightly lest they wound the otter's self-image, for this is the surest way to dissuade the otter from further communication.

Careers and Hobbies
Engineering Pro Sport
Medical Design
Computers Mathematics

Surfing the Web Swimming
Cuddling Reading

Famous Otters
Leonardo DiCaprio, Meg Ryan, Jennifer Aniston, Goldi Hawn.

they say I'm between the first one and this one

Wild Dog
Genera and species: Canis canidae
Collective Term: A tribe of wild dogs

Description
Most people who meet a wild dog are struck by its energetic, demonstrative and restless behavior. This mid-sized individual differs from its domestic dog and wolf cousins in a number of notable ways: it is physically more powerful than the domestic dog, and its social structure differs dramatically from that of the lone wolf. It is difficult to describe the wild dog's personality without explaining it in terms of its pack of friends, for wild dogs don't see themselves as rugged individualists but rather as members of a social team that demands constant bonding and cooperation.

Thinking of bringing that new invention of yours to the market? Put a wild dog in charge. For no one can take an idea and run with it, better than this hardy individual. Its powers of endurance and canine enthusiasm make for such a powerful combination, that wild dogs are consistently amongst the highest wage earners. So why don't they simply run their own businesses and reap the rewards? Well for one thing, they don't possess the leadership and entrepreneurial talents of their canine cousins. Instead, by concentrating on relationship building and teamwork, wild dogs achieve the kind of job satisfaction that no salary can replace.

Wild dogs are highly principled individuals although they take a while before placing their trust in others. Employers should give them a lot of freedom since they do not perform well in structured environments. When it comes to stamina, they are without equal and are usually the first to arrive and the last to leave. Versatile in their skills, their sharp minds can adapt to almost any environment,

A wild dog will not overwhelm you with its beauty, nor can it match the suave Tom Cruise style of the wolf. Instead, its mating strategy is summarized in two words: persistence and endurance. By wearing down its quarry with an endless offering of flowers, cards, and romantic dinners, the prey eventually succumbs to sheer exhaustion. The wild dog is clearly a dog at heart and is willing to romp with the best of them but manages to maintain its dignity under the most demanding bedroom conditions.

OR -- can also be...

Badger
Genera and Species: Taxidea taxus
Collective Term: A cete of badgers

Description
Badgers are closely related to weasel personalities and share the same range as their cousins the skunks. What distinguishes them from their relatives is their extraordinary physical and emotional strength and tenacious approach to life's challenges. Good looking, small to medium sized individuals, they walk and talk as if they own the world and their powerfully built bodies and dominating personalities back down for no one, not even the much larger personality of the lion. They will confidently enter the territory of others -- woe betide anyone who blocks their path.

Like most carnivores, badgers stay in shape with regular physical activity and are well dressed and precisely groomed. They enjoy all sports and their competitive natures drive them to the edges of their abilities. Because of their small size, they sometimes feel the need to assert themselves to gain the respect accorded the larger carnivores. Perhaps this is why badgers do not appreciate unsolicited advice and can be quite rude to anyone trying to help, and often alienate well-meaning acquaintances. Still, friends are drawn to their capable and protective qualities and rely on them to hold the group together.

As a hot-blooded mammal, the badger thrives on the excitement of new relationships and sexual conquests. But this incorrigible flirt and voracious lover is untraditional when it comes to matters of romance -- no roses and chocolates for this feisty character. To celebrate an anniversary, it's more likely to be found climbing a mountain than spending a quiet night at home. When a badger finally does settle down, it usually mates for life and proves to be a passionate and committed partner. Loyalty is important to the badger and it is quick to demand reciprocation; nothing is more unpleasant than dealing with a badger who feels cheated or disrespected. However, partners who manage to accept their intense nature, will experience an exquisite and unrelenting love affair.

Communicating with a badger is often a one-way affair. Its love for debate takes precedence over its desire to really hear what its partner is saying and it tends to dominate discussions with its dogmatic speaking style. Because it will not abide criticism of its behavior, it can prove to be quite insensitive to its mate's emotional needs.

Careers and Hobbies
Engineer Soldier
Reporter Police

Basketball Gambling
Golfing Hunting
Fishing Debating

Famous Walruses
Matt Dillon, Joe Pesci, Napoleon Bonaparte, Robert DeNiro, Oliver North

Financial Aid!

2008-06-25T09:32:00.002-05:00

So I got my financial aid approved and set. I'm really excited about it. I'm a little down at the same time because I wanted to take Greek or Latin as a language and it's not offered at my school right now. I could've sworn I saw it but I guess not :( I'll check again later, perhaps.

Today I get to speak with Doctor Uthman, a general community pathologist here in Houston. I'm pretty excited about this because I find him very interesting from his homepage. He seems well educated and respected in the community. Hopefully, if this goes well I will have found myself a great mentor. If nothing else, it'll be a great experience for me.

For the Fall semester, I took 5 classes which people are warning me may be too much at first, but I'm the type of person that needs the pressure and momentum to hold my interest so I'm hoping I can prove strong.

Mon and Wednesday are my busiest days. I'll be going to school from 8am. until 5pm. And then Tuesday and Thursday will be my earlier days. So far I have Friday/Sat/Sun off but like I said, if I can find the language class I want, I may add that if time allows.

Today is my Friday for this week. I have one more week left of my Intro to Health, class and I'm a little sad about that. I will actually miss Ms. Freeman and the class itself. I have an oral report and my portfolio is due on Wednesday then my Final on Thursday..wish me luck >.<

Registered For Fall!

2008-06-23T09:48:00.003-05:00

So I registered for Fall Classes in anticipation of my student aid. I have a pretty full schedule but I think I spaced it out okay. I found that for the summer classes, I took only two classes (5 semester hours) and I was so bored :( I wanted more input..learn more..etc, etc.

However, I took heed on other students that have said that if I take too much I might be overwhelmed. I decided that I would see how it goes and if I need to, I'll drop a class.

Right now, Monday and Wednesday will be my hardest days. Mon/Wed will be Math/Biology and English and Tuesday is my history class. I actually decided to add a dance class for my elective ...hold onto your sanity...I decided to pick ballet back up. :D

So I'm really excited and I will let you know how it all goes.

The Strategizer!

2008-06-20T07:29:00.002-05:00

Okay so I know it's been awhile, yet again, since I've blogged but it's not because I didn't want to. I'm actually collecting a list of things I'd like to mention in my blog because I started taking the bus to school and trust me, it's been VERY interesting.

I'm working on a portfolio at the moment that includes steps to being successful in my career choice and it's actually a really fun project that I'm enjoying to it's fullest.

One of the assignments for doing it is to get an interview with someone in your field (mine is Forensic Pathology). So I did some research, which btw, the salary in my field for entry level is somewhere in the vicinity of 120k a year. WOOT! But most of the info was coming off of one website that I found to be really informative. It even had some pictures in it! I did some further digging and found that the doctor whose website it was is IN Houston! Not only that, he's worked in Chicago, IL which is my hometown!!

So now, not only is this guy just cool, he's uber cool because he's touched the soil of Chi-town ;) and has reached celebrity status in my eyes.

I wrote him and asked for the interview and told him I'm looking for mentors in my field and he emailed me back the next day and said yes :D...I'm in hog heaven (as they say in Tx).

But I digress and I shall tell you of my bus-capades.

The first one was probably the most interactive and odd. I've told one or two of you about him. He rode the bus with me most of the route (about an hour) and just before my stop, he looks across at me and says, "You have really beautiful feet". WHAT?!

I said, "I have beautiful feet!?" he winks and nods like this is the best compliment I've gotten all day. "Okay" I said. As I turn away, he says "and beautiful hair" I say.."okay" again and he says, "I'll shut up now"...I respond with "Okay!" again. lol.

The most interesting lady I've seen is the "Bird Lady" as I refer to her. She looks like a bird. Her hair looks like a bird's nest and she smells like bird poop =/ but ...she carries this little messenger bag, like the newspaper carriers have..and I swear to GOD she had a pigeon in it!! It friggin coo'ed at me! On top of that..I think she has tourettes rofl....

okay I have to take my friend Mel to the doctor today so I'll blog more later. Ta-ta for now.

School Days

2008-06-04T07:50:00.002-05:00

I started school on Monday and it's going pretty well. Last night, however, I had the worst night I've had in a very long time.

I took a sleeping pill because I have had insomnia for the longest time and I'm trying to get on some kind of good sleep schedule. Normally, I take Ambient which works like a charm but I was out, so I took one of my son's (which he no longer takes). Can I just say, that now I know why he doesn't take it anymore??

Through the entire night I had panic attacks and nightmares and through it all I was lucid..so I knew I was dreaming but I was so groggy and under that I would fade in and out. So I will never take it again. I still haven't slept, but I got tired of lying there tossing and turning. I decided to get some breakfast (toast with peanut butter) and a cup of herbal tea to try and soothe me some.

Ugh...anyway, things are great. Been very busy and wanted to update this thing!

Ciao for now..

"a copy of a copy.."

2008-05-20T14:46:00.003-05:00

I love the book/movie FIGHT CLUB because of the whole insomnia viewpoint. I mean..he hits the nail right on the head. Sometimes there's a detachment from your own body. It moves when you aren't moving. It talks when you're sleeping. And everything is a copy of a copy of a copy. No amount of caffeine can keep you awake, no amount of pills can make you sleep.

Unfortunately -- yes unfortunately -- I haven't developed another personality. I mean...I'd really like to see what my alter ego would look like, act like, etc. I think it'd be a little scary. Actually....I think it'd be a lot scary.

Emotionally, however, I've been well. Still calm and happy. Rolling into that healthy stage where I can wear my clothes that I love so much and even a hint of girly-ness in it. It's easier to play the part of a Diva when you're sparkling and tinkling, I suppose.

I've kept to my workouts faithfully. One hour a night. Eating has been "okay" I'm going to switch back to the more healthy foods. For a week or so I was just eating normal foods that the family eats but adjusting my portions and that wasn't working out too well..I'm just maintaining a steady weight instead of going down. This does not make for a very happy Halo. >.<

Anyway, that is all for now..I tend to ramble when I have no real point.

zzzzzzz

2008-05-12T21:40:00.001-05:00

I'm tired and lazy today. >.<

The End.

mother's day

2008-05-11T10:22:00.005-05:00

Woot! My lady bug is mooooving! There's nothing better than waking up on mother's day and finding out you've lost another 2lbs :)

The ladybug should be moving down, I dunno why it's not >.< Anyway, above you'll see my bodybugg "results" page for the day :)

Playing on the Bipolar Playground on the manic swing

2008-05-08T19:36:00.001-05:00

Not much going on. In a cleaning / organizing mode...mwhahahaha...

Iron Man <333

2008-05-07T17:12:00.004-05:00

I loved this movie if you couldn't tell. It was a lot of fun and I love Robert Downey Jr. He's awesome. Being a huge fan of his for years, it kicks ass to see him finally emerge from drugs and alcohol into the actor I always knew he could be.

As for other things...I'm insanely tired. Got my period today, so insomnia is sort of a given at this time. Knock on wood, no migraine but I'm sure it's coming. It's been looming on the outskirts like a boogey man, I can feel it.

I've been eating so well for so long, I went to eat a french fry and couldn't do it. It literally tasted like crap. I ate half and gave the other half back.

I can see the difference in my figure now and it's great, now..if I could just get that damned scale to move along with it. Usually it goes up a few pounds when I'm ragging, which it hasn't...yet. That could mean one of two things.

1. I weigh less, but because I'm ragging, it's showing the same weight on the scale to compensate for the bloating

2. I haven't gotten to the "bloating" part yet.

I'll take door #1, ty.

I started another Ted Dekker book called "SAINT" since I liked "SKIN" so much. Hopefully, this book is just as good. =) I'll surely let you know.

Ohh lookie, I added this little ticker...note my lady bug ;)

hormones are teh suck

2008-05-06T11:47:00.002-05:00

I'm in the "blue zone". That means I'm on the blue pills in my birth control pack and so I'm heading into PMS land. That also means I need to stock up on coffee and get no sleep for days. Let me tell you how excited I am. -.-

I tossed and turned all night last night. I even tried my chamomile tea to no avail. I watched boring ass tv shows (Meet the Groomer, ugh) and still...thrashed and flopped around like a dead flounder.

I finished my book SKIN last night. It did in fact have a surprise ending and I liked it. Almost didn't. But then I did. See, they waited until the last 2-3 pages to give the 'real' ending and so I was like OH! pleasantly surprised. So read it! I think I actually have another one of Ted Dekker's books so I may try to read that one too. But there's another one I want to get called ADAM. And Thre3 looks good too.

It's 11:51. It's cloudy and icky out (not the awesome overcast of an impending storm, boo) and I have a parent teacher meeting with Cam's teacher whom I'd love to stick in a back room with a hungry rat :D...(what? I'm just sayin!)

summer days

2008-05-02T18:07:00.002-05:00

I think probably my favorite thing of summer is BBQing. It brings me a much joy to know that I can hang with the big boys when it comes to this summer tradition. I love it so much it's almost a zen for me.

Today was the perfect day..it wasn't too sunny and hot. There was a mild overcast that warns of evening showers, so the breeze was just cool enough to take the edge off the heat. I love stacking the coals and getting the heat to just the right temperature and the sizzle of the food as it hits the hot grill. I even busted out the watermelon and veggie tray, some mustard potato salad and the chips with ranch dip.

Mmm ...left overs.

I can't say there's much else to report. I watched Cloverfield last night and can I just say....Disappointment? I watched the interviews afterwards and was offended at the arrogance of the creators thinking that "they" had made the American Monster. It wasn't even that great. I'm sick to death of this age of CGI. It's completely unbelievable. Can we go back to the days of Special FX plz? I'm disgusted. Do they think we're scared? I was more on the edge of my seat when I didn't see the damn "monster". When I finally caught a glimpse of it I felt like I was watching an episode of Power Rangers.

They make a Monster Stew, using all the elements of the great monster movies and say they "pioneered" something? Are you serious? First of all, if you'd like to "scare" me...go have a 10 min conversation with the creators of Alien. mk? The dude's name escapes me at the moment and yes, you can shoot me now...sue me, I'm tired >.< (we all know as soon as I hit "publish post" it'll come to me and I'll smack my forehead) but he developed a "monster" that would scare the shit out of me if I saw it....and it wasn't CGI! At least not this crap they're selling us these days... I never once saw the outline of the Alien monster against what I could easily tell was a green screened background. Hello? I can Paint Shop pro better than these guys.

I feel like the Archie Bunker of Horror Movies..the 1/2 of the Critics from the Muppet Show. I want to throw my popcorn bowl at the screen at nearly every "horror" movie I see lately.

But anyyyyway...enough of my venting....time for more BBQ!

the pen is mightier than the sword...as cliche as it sounds

2008-04-29T12:43:00.002-05:00

So I am carrying a 5 subject notebook around with me now..and anytime I get the urge to write, it goes in there. I do this for two reasons; number 1 it allows me to be off my computer which I'm trying to spend more time off of. number 2 it allows me to be undistracted while I put my thoughts down.

It's probably been the best form of expression I have unless they figure out how to give me a portable Paint Shop Pro :D (hey! a girl can hope!). I feel like I can get all those ideas out of my head and relax a little. It also curbs my desire to roleplay which was a strong addiction for awhile. It wasn't that I cared about the roleplaying itself, but the writing. No one ever got that. I loved making up the stories, designing the websites for it all. It was my own little world and depending on the day I was having..my own little alter ego.

So here I am. Both feet in the real world and ..I'm okay. Doesn't take much to make me happy. I have a lot of ideas and thoughts and now there's a place for it all. That's not to say I don't have my daily struggles. I want to send my scale flying into the nearest busy street and watch it's mechanical guts go flying everywhere. It's not even what you think either. I can be okay if it doesn't go down it's the fact that if you move it even an inch...the gd thing changes my weight. So I'm frustrated cuz I'm not sure if I moved it and my weight loss is actual or a malfunction of my scale....luckily there are mirrors in my house and I can see the loss and thusly..my scale is still alive and free of tire tracks.

On another subject; Ron and I are discussing who's brave enough to try the Reishi Mushroom Coffee. I think I spelled that right. Hopefully, because I have no desire or intention of looking it up just for this post. Basically it's the "red mushroom" of oriental mystery and full of health benefits...but does it TASTE like coffee? Or a mushroom pizza? I admit to being a little skittish but curious all at once.

I guess I'll let you guys know later how it goes if either of us are daring enough.

I guess that's it for now..if I ramble on too much I won't have anything for next time ;)

all quiet on the southern front

2008-04-27T01:19:00.002-05:00

I know that I haven't blogged much in the last few days. Lots of stuff going on but not much of it is for disclosure. My best friend, Cat, had some rough days that she's dealing with and I've been helping her cope with that.

On the good side -- my friend H who got her body bugg has lost some weight and is very excited..enough so, that her hubby bought one and so did a friend at her office. So now they're all doing Friday weigh ins! I think it kicks ass and I'm glad to have inspired not only her, but my faithful sidekick Ron, who has started his own daily plate blog. (rock on!)

It's nice to know that positive things are just as contagious as negative. =) Cue cheesy commercial.

That's it for me..Finished my cardio and going to take a hot shower and read Choke. Wewt for presents!

just a quickie

2008-04-19T23:47:00.000-05:00

Not much to report today, maybe I'll think of more tomorrow..I had a treat today as you can see..I was good this whole week...now to go bang out 30min (or more) of cardio so I don't lose track!

Night!

>.<

2008-04-18T15:29:00.004-05:00

I'm groggy today and I don't know why. I can't tell if it's because it's one of those relaxing days where you just want to veg and stare at clouds while falling in out of cat naps or ...if it's because my sleep schedule is so fubar. Probably both.

We kept the boys home today because the alarms didn't go off and we just didn't feel like braving the storm this morning to drive them to school. Call us bad parents..wtfever. They can miss one day, I'm sure they aren't tortured scholastically by it.

I'm thinking about changing up my hairstyle, too. Been a few days in thought. Keeping the length but coloring it to a more brighter color for summer. Thinking light brown with a touch of small blond streaks. Problem is, I can not find a hairstylist that doesn't fuck up the look I'm going for. I never like to complain but I usually walk out dissatisfied with what they've done. And paying 25 bucks or more for it, makes me more angry when I get home and discover that the cut isn't that great? Yeah...makes me want to learn to cut my own damn hair.

My dieting is going VERY well. I'm pleased with everything at the moment..I just hope I can keep it up and the bipolar mood swings don't dissuade me from my path. I'm happy when I work out....it's getting me to do it that makes me want to kick small animals and gnaw on scorpion tails ...and no, not literally. Sad that I have to put that little notation, don't need any animal activists or white coat people knocking at my door. I have enough issues.

My friend, I'll call her H because I don't want to impose on the privacy of said friend, and I are trying to keep each other motivated. She got the bodybugg [ bodybugg.com ] that I recommended to her and in turn, a friend of hers got one. Why? Because they are awesome, duh. But I digress...we are trying to email each other and keep each other psyched for the results we know will come :D

I'm already seeing marked improvement in my weight and it's only been a week. It's not impossible but it's not easy either. But I'm stubborn (noooo not meee right? shaddup) so I will make this work, damnit.

Been drinking a lot more water and herbal teas. Adding some soymilk shakes to my diet [read up on it, studies are showing now that it helps reduce belly fat in women]. So...maybe when it's all said and done, I'll post pics. Yeah. Hold your breath ;)

I am also going to -try- (key word here, folks) to start maybe a photo blog of one of my meals per day. Just because I want to.

I think that's all for today...I still need ideas on what new thing I could learn! Get with the replies!

getting better

2008-04-17T16:23:00.002-05:00

So the diet is getting better. Most of the cravings are gone but last night was rough. I was pretty hungry but I also want to get out of the habit of eating before bed...not so sure I can but it's a goal of mine. I was up for most of the night because my body was telling me, "go eat, stupid" but stubbornly I stayed in bed. This led to a long night of watching LIFE IN THE ER.

It'll get easier (I hope).

I've been doing good on my workouts. The only time I've missed them was when I wasn't feeling well and I'm getting better about making sure I get them in rather than dreading them. It's a mere 30 min's on the elliptical but that's a lot when you just don't feel like it.

I'm going stir crazy because I haven't gotten a new book. I just don't know what to read and my brain is screaming for input/words/stimulus, etc. I mean, outside of internet reading and WoWing it up. I actually -like- holding a book in my hand and curling up with one to read.

Overall I'm just trying to stay positive about my diet, my goals (school), and life in general.

I want to learn something new...anyone got any suggestions?

...is this thing on? -taps the mic_

I've got nothing..

2008-04-16T07:33:00.002-05:00

It's...7:34. Yep. A.M.

Got the youngest one off to school and now I'm sitting here trying to wake up fully so I can drive child #3 to his doctor appt across town. There's not much to report at the moment other than that I gave in last night and had a salad before bed. It wasn't hardly enough to even report on my food diary but I did because I want to be sure I account for everything. I really tried not to eat anything more but I always have a snack before bed. I figure if I make sure it's something that contains mostly water, I'm doing good, right? Right.

Yesterday was child #4's Spring Fling at school. It was quite short, albeit amusing. The kids did little music numbers and for 2nd grade it was alright. I think the teachers could do more with them but I'm guessing it was the extent of their own capabilities (no, that's not an insult. just a fact.). Some of the children didn't show up for one of the numbers but they improvised nicely. Kid #4 did a little routine to music and a basketball. =) He loves the spotlight...only when he's with other people though. Put up there alone and he's pretty shy..I think he'll evolve out of that and then I'll have a bonafide ham on my hands.

I'd post some of the video here but I'm not sure I want strange people oogling my 8yr old. Sorry, but we all know there's sickos out there and I'm just not willing to expose one of my babies to it.

I didn't get to bed until late last night and then I didn't sleep very well. It was pretty cold. So cold, in fact, that kid #4 came curling up next to me. (I'm known in the family as the living furnace when I sleep...for some reason I just project a lot of heat o.o) Problem with that is that he squirms so much it wakes me up every time -.-

Alas, we survived the night and I'm here. Zombie Mom No. 1. [ insert zombie groan from Sean of the Dead here ]

Maybe more later, maybe not. I'm pretty effin proud I have been doing this for a week, now. Let's not push it, eh?

[insert zombie groan]

2008-04-15T07:55:00.002-05:00

It's 8 AM.

I repeat. 8....in the A.M.

Yeah, those who know me wonder wtf am I doing up. Besides getting the kids off to school, I am in my insomnia phase again I guess. (note to those who are new -- Halo is NOT a morning person)

I have a funny little story. A lawyer I know called all doctors 'arrogant' and I started to giggle. I said, "I won't come back and see you after a few years then because I'm going pre-med to be a doctor" and he joked with me some about how arrogant they are...his partner was in agreeance and we talked about how after med school and residency and all the shit they have to go through, they kind of deserve to be a little arrogant.

I think what made me giggle was the fact that I always joke that "it's all about me". It really is a joke..I hardly ever think of myself before others but I use it as a mantra to remind myself that I have to put myself first sometimes...right?

I'm yawning right now...having small daydreams about how comfortable my bed is. This is bad. lol.

I'm going back to bed.

When the Cat Has Your Tongue..

2008-04-11T12:31:00.002-05:00

I sit and stare at this thing a lot. So much to say but when it comes down to typing the words, I feel like I have nothing to put in. A lot of it is an inner struggle. One to be heard vs. one not to have privacy violated. Maybe it's an insecurity that what I have to say isn't very important or profound enough.

I'm definitely turning through another phase in my life. The depression is getting better and I don't know if that's a misconception by myself or not..I feel a little happier. I think part of the reason why is because I decided to go back to school.

And not just "decided" but took action. I have a hard time completing things but this is something I don't want to let go of. It's something that has been a desire of mine for some time. I don't want my life to slip past without me having done something meaningful for myself.

I'm a mother. A sometimes thankless job. As cliche' as it sounds..it's also the most rewarding. But it's still an extension of myself, my hopes and my dreams. It's a reflection of what I want to be or what I don't want to be when I look at them and regardless of what guidance I give them, it's not my life to lead.

So now I'm sitting there, staring at a school schedule for June and I'm excited and nervous all at once. Those HS memories of finding classes rushing back at me, sometimes keeping me up at night. My fear that I'll fail once I get too far to turn back.

One of the funniest fears (to me) is that I want to be a doctor and I know I'll have to face situations that might become a problem..namely..vomit. LoL

If I see my kids do it..I do it. I can't smell it or I puke, myself. Is this something that you acquire an immunity to? I don't know but I certainly hope so..as I'm sure there are more nauseating smells to deal with. At least I can laugh at it, right?

I look forward to the more gruesome tasks that most medical students shun from. Gross Anatomy is probably going to be my favorite part. I've come to the conclusion that it will settle my fears about dying.

I already feel a sense of accomplishment and I am determined that the next 10 years be about me since I've neglected her for so long.

On another note altogther, I have this weird numb feeling in my knee and my lower back has been aching for about a week. I have to reschedule the appt with my doctor because the day I had an appt, my car decided to act up.

I feel like an old woman sometimes, every month it's like a different ailment. For those of you reading this (what? all 4?) who didn't know, I had an issue with a lump in my breast. For a good month I dealt with not knowing what was up until they finally cleared me..everything was fine. Of course, this was after I got to go through the wonderful procedure called stereotactic biopsy. Remind me to tell you about that later.

I'll try to post again and let everyone know what happens...anyway..

see you next time. same bat time same bat channel..or something like that

finding the way home

2008-02-16T22:51:00.002-06:00

So it's been awhile and I think for a long time I lost myself. Blogging can be tedious to me and at the same time, it feels like it betrays a private part of me, exposing something in me that isn't meant to be seen.

Honestly, if people were meant to know it..wouldn't they just..know it?

I try to remember that people cannot read minds. Most importantly mine. It's complex and confusing even to myself but alas, I'm home again as I like to call it.

I'm tormented by the choice of medicating myself to balance my bipolar disorder or trucking through it. As most people will tell you, they are at their most creative when they are depressed and I find that to be truthful to every extent.

I lose my desire to write, to create, to express..all of it. I lose the philosopher in me and the dreamer. And then I wonder..is it all worth it?

I'm not trying to kill myself so why am I trying to drown this part of me? I don't know. They say it's better to lead a happier life. True enough, I can be happier when I'm on my medication but wouldn't that be true either way? For example, if I lived in one house or another, couldn't I be happy? I don't know. I'm still pondering that.

Anyway, the news tonight is that I've been coerced ;) sweetly and yet forcefully into starting my book again. I have the desire so I have plans to begin as early as tomorrow. Wish me luck.

the fine line between hurt and anger

2007-07-31T00:33:00.000-05:00

For some reason..this weekend has been Hell. I thought that things were looking up, but that is apparently where I made my first mistake.

In my ire, I took all my friends off my MySpace. Why, you ask? Because it just seems like lines have no other purpose to serve other than being blurred and crossed.

I got angry at myself because I drug into AOL roleplay drama but then I understood after someone told me the story behind what was going on. My friend was hurting because there was more than friendship behind everything. The other person lied and crossed a line.

Another person that keeps claiming they want to be friends, had her character do something to one of mine indirectly, knowing (or so she thought) it wouldn't get back to me...but it did. And it hurt ME out of character because I trusted the person who she committed the indiscretion with.

Later I find out that other people knew all along. Yeah...I'm hurt. Because regardless of my own level of comfort, I would've said something. So I feel betrayed. Betrayed because questions just should've been asked if in doubt.

-sighs- Anyway...yeah. Happy full moon.

=/

2007-07-27T06:23:00.000-05:00

It's 6:20 am and I am awake. There's a bad storm going on outside which normally lulls me to sleep and keeps me in bed long after I should be awake, but tonight..it's led to a bad dream.

In my dream, the two younger boys were in bed, resting in sleep and from the storm (which made it's way into my dream) at like 2:30 am, my second oldest (Jake) came in from the rain. The disturbing part is that...I didn't realize he was not home, in my dream, earlier.

I immediately went to him and kept saying "where have you been!?" and he clammed up like usual and gave me a typical Jake answer, "I don't know". I kept cornering him and telling him to tell me and he'd give me an excuse like "I left my MP3 player at my friend's house" but I was getting more upset saying, "that's a reason to stay out until 2 in the morning!?" but he just kept looking away as if he was angry I was even asking.

It was very much in character for Jake and finally I said, "Try again. Where have you been and don't lie to me."

He seemed to break down and he reached out for me and started crying. Even in my dream I was taken back by this because Jake has been very withdrawn for a long time. He doesn't reach out for anyone. And he hugged me. A real hug, not just a "pat on the back" hug like he usually gives everyone. You know the kind? The meek sorta hug?

So in my dream I said, "Baby what's wrong?" and he just said "it's really bad" and curled into my arms. In my dream I was actually carrying him like a baby and shh'ing him and comforting him.

I was whispering, "tell me what's wrong, baby. it's okay. did someone hurt you? I swear to god I'll kill them if they did. I promise you I will." and he wouldn't tell me.

So..then I woke up and I lie there for a bit. Of course, at the thought of one of my children being in pain in such a way, I started to panic and get that eerie feeling. The one where you wonder if everyone is okay? But all I could do, really, is check on everyone here. The other two are in Chicago. :(

It's horrible..because I checked everyone and went to lie back down and kept seeing the image in my mind, I guess..you know, trying to analyze it? And the more I did, the more upset I was getting because he was reaching out for me and I couldn't help him. I couldn't quite calm down..so I decided to make myself some green tea and blog it.

I'll call him in a few hours and make sure that everything is okay =/

is it bedtime yet?

2007-07-26T23:22:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning with yet another sinus headache but it went away later on after taking half of a Tylenol PM. I'm not sure why that works more than the Tylenol Sinus (or other sinus medicine) but it does and that's all that matters. Right? =/

Doing really well with my meal plans and today I did my Pilates class (1 hour) and a 1/2 on the stairmonster. I can't believe how BORING it is now that I've been doing the cycling but part of the reason is probably because I didn't have a good magazine to read :( I'm going to try to bring my book next time and see if it makes me nauseous to try and read it..or if I can even concentrate on it.

Other than that..not a whole lot more going on. I'm going to make my popcorn and head to bed. I'm ready for this day to end -- more later!

on the down low

2007-07-26T10:56:00.000-05:00

I've signed up to learn more about ....Pole Dancing! Haha! I sent a request for information on learning how to teach it. I'll keep you posted on it. I think it would be a lot of fun :)

Anyway..I didn't workout yesterday outside of my 24 Lift class. I just felt I needed a break and then I wake up today with another (ugh yes..another) sinsus headache. This rain needs to stop! :(

I know I'll feel better if I go workout but I think I'm going to wait to do it til after my pilates class (6:30 - 7:30pm) because the gym is much more quiet at that time.

I may decide to go in early and do it too just because if I go at night, I know I'll have the kids with me. If I go early, I can always do a quick shower to freshen up before my class.

That's pretty much it for now. If I have more to post later, I will.

short and sweet

2007-07-25T14:12:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was rather tedius. But a productive day none the less. I will keep today's post short and sweet because I'm fighting off a little headache but I got to take another cycling class last night and it rocked. I loved the challenge even though I wanted (several times) to leave early cuz I was tired. I finished it. That was the best part. Woohoo!

seeing results

2007-07-23T21:52:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to see results more clearly and it's encouraging. My new obsession is cycling. Ehh..as much as it hurts the "delicate" parts the next day I guess until I get used to it, that is. It's hard but when I can make it through that whole class I feel like a winner.

Yeah ..a winner in that cheesy Chariots of Fire, way.

Anyway..today was Pilates (1 hour) and my 2nd cycling class. It wasn't as good as the first but it was still challenging. It was a different teacher/club, too.

I wasn't nuts about the music..and it's funny to be on the opposite side of the mic. Music really does make an impact on your crowd.

I don't have much to report today so I'll end this post with my good deed of the day.

I was driving home from work and sitting at a red light when I see this lil green Gecko fall out of nowhere on my side mirror. He's just sitting there looking at me and I'm thinking..if I take off and drive, he's going to fly off and die :(

Soooo...I pulled over into a little drive way..and chased the gecko over the hood back and forth a few times before I finally caught him and set him on a tree. :) Yay ME!

The End.

coming to a head..

2007-07-20T23:25:00.000-05:00

So things have been really great. I'm happy and in a content place in my life. I work out twice daily, my house is clean and organized, my friends are awesome and I have some saintly wings carrying me, too.

All in all ...I have nothing much to complain about. There are some minor things. But I feel as though these minor things ..are the things that we consider dead weight. Things that, in order to fly, must be let go. Emotional baggage per se.

I'm okay with it. Oddly enough. I've decided, that I'm a big girl and I can let go of things to grow and metamorphasis into something better.

On another note: I've also decided to keep a food journal and workout journal. I need to break it down cuz I'm not sure if I'm doing everything I can to reach my goal. It's become my lifestyle more so than it was before. And I dont' say that obsessively. I mean that before it wasn't such a big deal. I would workout once every other day and not worry about what I ate. It's important to me now because I am trying to keep my health in check.

It also makes me feel better and feel like I have more control over things.

I'll post more later. Cameron is asking for me =)

Lzr!

2007-07-19T14:51:00.000-05:00

Everyone...well okay, most everyone, knows that I work for 24 hour fitness. I started out as a personal trainer and due to the schedule, I made a decision to move to their Group X [aerobic instructor] department. Despite some issues that I won't discuss here [mostly because they're minor, and secondly because I find it in poor taste to make your place of employment look bad in -any- way] I absolutely love my job and the company.

I was watching The Biggest Loser today. Can I just say, that the people on there are amazing? The dedication and will power it takes to do what they do, in such a small amount of time, makes me realize and reminds me again, this..is why I do what I do.

I found myself literally in tears watching them not only reach their goals..but surpass them. I can't imagine not having a job as fulfilling as mine. The fact that my company sponsors a TV show that focuses on the positive and provides help as well as rewards for what they achieve..I have to say, I'm proud.

One of the songs used in the shows has the following lyrics; "What have you done to be proud today?"

And it made me think. If everyone thought about that, every single day. They might be more motivated to do something other than sit there and wait for themselves to rot away.

I know that sounds harsh but that's pretty much where this epidemic came from. And it is an epidemic, folks. Humans are becoming cattle. The Age of Technology has taken us from active, productive human beings, to robots. We sit at work. We rush to our car, to sit in traffic. We rush home to make dinner then sit down and maybe work some more or sit behind a computer or sit and watch tv.

Think about the things you did as a child. Many of you were athletic. Many were active, period. Inactivity is a disease. It can be cured. It just takes a desire. On that note. I'm going to walk the dog =)

no news is good news..right?

2007-07-17T11:44:00.001-05:00

It's been a decent few days. Jimmy left for Chicago on Monday (:() and I'm keeping up with my workouts. It's nice when people start to notice the weight I've lost. That's when you know the results are coming; People that see you everyday can start to tell. It makes all those flights of stairs not so ba..okay who am I kidding? They're still bad, but well worth it.

Work has become a low stress factor which is better than what it used to be. I used to dread it and always think I was doing something wrong. Now I can see that the members that I have in my class, really appreciate me and love seeing me every week.

I'm tired right now..taught Step then Pilates again. But it's a good tired. I'm checking my mail then about to go shower before leaving. Taking Rob to his therapy then maybe a walk around the mall.

I have no idea why I keep up with this blog all of a sudden but it's theraputic in it's own way.

That's all for now.

for a life, click "x"

2007-07-15T15:44:00.000-05:00

It's amazing to me that I've not been online in a roleplay chatroom for...months. Literally. And when I decide to come back and play just to pass some time, the first thing that I encounter is drama.

I am sitting there speechless. I don't understand it. People just can't sign on and control themselves. It's a sick obsession. They're not happy unless they're e-fucking with someone to get a rise out of a person on the other end of the internet.

It's so absolutely childish it makes me shake my head. This has definitely gone from being all I ever do, to being a hobby and I'm glad I fuckin changed that because I'd have to /wrist if was like that any longer.

That's my rant for today. Lzrs drive thru. Thx much.

all in all..

2007-07-13T14:52:00.000-05:00

It has been an awesome week.

My workouts have been steady and I'm loving them. I haven't skimped or skipped any. If I can get my eating right I'll be down to a science. So I'm back to eating every 3 - 4 hours and the brown rice. It's important to me because eating has become an emotional thing and I know that I shouldn't be eating emotionally but with performance and sustenance in mind.

Many people these days associate eating with everything but what it's supposed to be for. Maintaining and producing energy. We associate it with celebrations, depressions, etc..and this is where eating disorders come into play. I've been on every side of the eating disorder circle and I'm trying to get my head right so I can re-learn and rehabilitate myself without drugs and doctors. I don't want people to think that I recommend that for everyone. I know the triggers now and I know I'm not in a danger zone. It's something I can do with consistancy. I don't have bulemia and I'm not anorexic so there's no need to have a doctor supervise me. People that genuinely need help should get it.

I like the feeling of empowerment that I get when I finish a hard workout and I get really angry when depression keeps me from my workouts, so I'm hoping that I can force my mind into this balanced state so I don't lose track of my goals or set myself back.

I love the relaxation that I've been getting lately. Being offline has really made me focus on things that are important and it's relieved a lot of stress for me. I have more 'me' time as you can see and it's been theraputic in ways I could never even put into words. I'm much more calm and relaxed. The "Old Me" for sure.

I think that's all for today.

easy, breezy..

2007-07-11T14:57:00.000-05:00

The last couple days have been really relaxing. I've started my own personal workouts again, outside of the classes I teach in the mornings. I do 1/2 an hour on the (monsterous) stair machine and then try to do another 1/2 hour of something else depending on how much I did in the morning.

Yesterday I was just so happy to get the 1/2 hour on the stair machine banged out after teaching step (1/2 hour) and pilates (1 hour) that morning. I wanted to swim but I just didn't have it in me. Laps are pretty relaxing as well as good exercise so I try to fit it in when I can.

It's starting to pay off, finally. I see some progress which is nice since I'm constantly trying to encourage others to reach their goals and it's showing in the mirror for me.

Trying to be a mom to two teenagers, a pre-teen and a 6 yr old is hard enough. Add being bi-polar to the mix and trying to cheer myself to my own goals is like skating uphill but I'm trying to keep my determination.

I'm tired of sinking into the tarpit of despair and disappointing my kids, friends and most of all, myself.

Breathing..is life. Being able to smell the roses is a bonus.

W-T-F

2007-07-09T10:52:00.001-05:00

So I've been busting my ass on the house. I'm tired of it being sterile white and having no color. I'm tired of it looking like I don't give a shit about it (which I didn't, before). I put a lot of work into it and I -still- have to ride people in the house to pick up after themselves.

I mean -- seriously. What in the fuck is so hard about washing your dish or doing 7 dinner dishes (including the pots!) because I don't feel well that night? The lack of respect is astounding. I can't even explain it in words how shitty it makes me feel that I put so much work into the house and not one person could even load a gd dishwasher so that when I woke up, I didn't have it to do.

They might as well just bend over and ask me to wipe their ass, too.

This is what I deal with day in and day out and they wonder why I gave up before and just let it go to shit. This is the reason. I can't function like this. Things have to be neat or I get depressed. It's a sickness, I know but....help me out just a little, huh?

I make big meals for dinner with little mess. I'm not asking them to clean shit off the walls. I'm asking them to clean an effin' crock pot for Christ's sake. I try to clean as I go because *I* do the damn dishes most of the time and I'd like to sit down after dinner and relax after picking up after everyone. And if *I* don't do the dishes, the dishes get half assed done. Don't get put away, etc, etc...

I'm just disgusted this morning. I barely got out of my room after taking the sheets off to be washed, wandered into the kitchen and saw the mess like a slap in the face. I mean, I was sick and they left them there like "oh well, she'll get to them in the morning". Just...rude.

Gotta love being a mother.

Genesis..

2007-07-08T15:40:00.000-05:00

I don't know where to start. Everytime I start a blog or diary, I think I can keep up with it but I cannot. My thoughts and senses are so fragile and sacred, revealing them feels more like a mortal sin than expression. I have only my art for that. My little graphic profiles that I make for my "AOL Friends" here and there. Even that joy starts to wane.

What is left, are all these thoughts. Static that buzzes around in my mind until I'm overflowing with it and I feel like the person standing next to me can hear it.

I'm not schitzo. I'm just ..me.

People often say, "you have no idea" but do they really believe that? I used to. I've met a few that were like me and it's always so foreign, like meeting someone from another planet who speaks your language.

Who knows if I'll even keep this blog up. I think part of the discouragement of having an online journal is when it feels like no one even reads it. So why bother?

My thoughts are no more interesting than the next person's. Hell, I'd be surprised if theirs weren't a whole hell of a lot more interesting than mine. None the less..I'll keep attempting it to see if I get better....to ping the universe and see if there's someone else that speaks the language.